Lyrics:

I tried to fight it, to let you go
I tried to hide it, not let it show
I closed my eyes and I watched you sleep
I looked at the stars and you looked at me
I thought about how we fit together
You thought about how easy it would be to break my heart
I think it’s obvious

I still can’t stop loving you
And I’m ready to tell you the truth
I still can’t stop loving you
And I’ve got no reason to

I close my eyes when I sing
Because I’m afraid of the way you look at me
When you’re wondering
If this song is about you
You should know by now

I still can’t stop loving you
It’s not the easiest thing to do
I still can’t stop loving you
And I’ve got no reason to
I’ve got no reason to
No reason to stop loving you

 

About 12 years ago, I had a MAJOR crush on a female friend of mine. We spent a lot of time together, just the two of us. I was convinced that our friendship could turn into the wonderful type of relationship built on mutual trust and understanding that only two people who already knew each other really well could create. In my mind, so many elements of the relationship were already there. We laughed and talked about our feelings (minus my hidden ones) and sometimes did activities that felt like dates, like movies or mini-golf. It all made so much sense to my 19 year old brain.

Instead of making my feelings known early, I held onto them, buried them, let them fester into something uncontrollable. I learned why they call it a crush. Because it crushed me.

In particular, I remember a warm summer night where we were laying in lawn chairs and looking at the night sky. I was pointing out constellations and talking about astronomy and I looked over at her. She wasn’t looking at the stars. She was laying on her side, looking at me. We stopped talking and looked in each other’s eyes for an all too brief moment that seemed to last forever. I wanted that intimate moment to repeat itself in a million different ways.

Eventually I did confess everything to her. We were both a little tipsy at a friend’s house party. We were outside, sitting on the hood of my car and I just couldn’t hold it in anymore. It was worth risking the friendship. She shot me down in the nicest way she could have, but I still got shot down.

A strange thing happened after that. I didn’t give up. I stayed friends with her, and continued to pine after her. I had invested so much in my desire that it was a part of my personal identity. How could I let her take that away from me? It wasn’t about her anymore. It wasn’t even about reality. It was about me and the way I viewed my own sense of loyalty.

We stayed friends, and are friends to this day, but we saw less and less of each other after that. She went through a series of jerk boyfriends that I hated and then she moved away. I moved on, but not before writing this song.

Now twelve years removed from that night looking at the stars, I do still love her, in a way. It’s different, but it’s still there.

Flash forward to last year, when I was getting ready to record this EP. I was going through a major breakup and this song gained renewed significance. I was having a similar experience, but deeper and more profound because I was heavily invested in a relationship that I really enjoyed and I had reason to think it would last.

I got dumped and actually thought “What right does this woman have to take away the love I want to give?” She can take away the love she gave to me and she can take away the time we spend together, but I’m still free to love her, even if it has to be from afar. Loving her was part of my personality and going cold turkey just wasn’t going to happen.

Do I still love her now? Abso-goddamn-lutely. Of course I do. But I don’t require anything in return. I don’t need her to love me back. I don’t even need her to know. Even if we never see each other again, she can’t take it away from me. She’s free to live her life and I’m free to feel how I want to feel.

To me, this is not a sad, dejected song. It’s a resolute, reaffirming song.

The role of a song to apply to different situations and people is what’s great about music, and art in general. The listener gets to assign their own meaning to it, and that meaning can change over time. Some of my songs are a little more vague or obscure, but this one is pretty straight up and relatable, I think. I’ve described what led to the creation and recording of it, but you get to relate to it in your own way.

I’ve got one more song for next Friday (titled “I will break down your walls”) and that’ll be all five. The whole Strange Creature EP.

I hope you’ll check back, but even if you don’t, I won’t stop loving you. ❤